Dr. Elizabeth Roberts is a psychologist and the founder of Village Psychology.
Scene. A therapy office. Enter one quiet, hopeful, exhausted, but caring parent. Unsure where to start, we dive into a thorough discussion of strengths, difficulties, big feelings, big behaviours. Then, the quiet question.
Did I cause this?
In honor of Mother's Day, here's my response.
No. I think your child has way more autonomy than that.
Your child arrived with their own brain. Their own neural architecture: a unique recombination of billions of cells that combine to create a sum that is altogether theirs. A personality shaped and nurtured in the environment you provide, yes, but with a neural foundation that was forming before you even chose a name. And let's be honest: you've never been a parent to this specific person before. None of us come to that with a perfect toolkit.
It is not a linear relationship between parenting behaviours and child outcomes, as much as many in the field have sometimes implied. It simply isn't that simple, and every day I see examples of this:
We just don't have as much control as we think we do. Trust me, if we did, my job would be considerably easier.
Did I cause this?
In honor of Mother's Day, here's my response.
No. I think your child has way more autonomy than that.
Your child arrived with their own brain. Their own neural architecture: a unique recombination of billions of cells that combine to create a sum that is altogether theirs. A personality shaped and nurtured in the environment you provide, yes, but with a neural foundation that was forming before you even chose a name. And let's be honest: you've never been a parent to this specific person before. None of us come to that with a perfect toolkit.
It is not a linear relationship between parenting behaviours and child outcomes, as much as many in the field have sometimes implied. It simply isn't that simple, and every day I see examples of this:
- A caring, encouraging parent with a child who is relentlessly hard on themselves.
- A disciplined, hard-working parent with a child who is easily frustrated and quick to give up.
- A calm, easy-going parent with a child who has the energy of the Energizer bunny and a hair-trigger temper.
We just don't have as much control as we think we do. Trust me, if we did, my job would be considerably easier.
Parenting Is Hard and Long and Also Amazing and Beautiful
If you're feeling run down from the job of it, take a moment today to observe your perfectly imperfect child.
Notice the way their hands land on yours. The expressions they make, the gestures, the way their voice shifts when they're excited or embarrassed or trying not to laugh. The questions they ask at the worst possible times. The smile that explodes across their face from a silly meme, or the face that goes quiet in a sad moment.
When they were babies, you learned to crack the code of crying from a list of basic options: diaper, warmth, snuggle. You didn't cause the crying, you just learned the signals. Now, whatever stage you're at, I can assure you that although the signals have changed, the job is the same.
When they're annoying, they're learning to cope with disappointment. When they're angry, they're fighting for their boundaries. When they're lazy, they're not afraid to rest, and honestly, that's something a lot of adults never learned.
Sure, you might have done some things we could work on, but those things are like sprinkles on an already good cupcake.
Notice the way their hands land on yours. The expressions they make, the gestures, the way their voice shifts when they're excited or embarrassed or trying not to laugh. The questions they ask at the worst possible times. The smile that explodes across their face from a silly meme, or the face that goes quiet in a sad moment.
When they were babies, you learned to crack the code of crying from a list of basic options: diaper, warmth, snuggle. You didn't cause the crying, you just learned the signals. Now, whatever stage you're at, I can assure you that although the signals have changed, the job is the same.
When they're annoying, they're learning to cope with disappointment. When they're angry, they're fighting for their boundaries. When they're lazy, they're not afraid to rest, and honestly, that's something a lot of adults never learned.
Sure, you might have done some things we could work on, but those things are like sprinkles on an already good cupcake.
The Fact That You're Asking Is Most of the Answer
Now some of you are reading this and thinking: but I did make mistakes. Yes, it's true and most of us have. The goal isn't to absolve yourself of everything, it's to alleviate guilt around what is not yours to carry: the neurological wiring, the temperament. The moments you were too harsh, too absent, too overwhelmed to show up the way you wanted to? Worth looking at and possibly repairing. Those are still moments in a larger picture, and the fact that you're willing to look at them at all means the relationship is still workable.
If you stopped to notice your child today, if you wonder whether you're doing it right, if you're the kind of parent who reads blog posts trying to do better, I feel pretty hopeful you're doing a darn good job. The fact that you're asking the question is most of the answer.
(And let's not forget the wildly underrated influences of the village, the school, the economy, the society, the friends, the siblings, and about a thousand other things that were never yours to control in the first place.)
You were never the only variable, you were just the one paying the most attention.
Happy Mother's Day.
If you stopped to notice your child today, if you wonder whether you're doing it right, if you're the kind of parent who reads blog posts trying to do better, I feel pretty hopeful you're doing a darn good job. The fact that you're asking the question is most of the answer.
(And let's not forget the wildly underrated influences of the village, the school, the economy, the society, the friends, the siblings, and about a thousand other things that were never yours to control in the first place.)
You were never the only variable, you were just the one paying the most attention.
Happy Mother's Day.
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