By Dr. Elizabeth Roberts, Psychologist
As a school and applied child psychologist, much of my work has centred around teaching emotion regulation skills. Sometimes that means teaching the skills directly. Sometimes it works, hooray! But often we have to go back to the drawing board, because we didn't identify the right skill. Not unlike parenting, we must keep trying to crack the code of the behaviour.
Here's generally how our interventions work:
As a school and applied child psychologist, much of my work has centred around teaching emotion regulation skills. Sometimes that means teaching the skills directly. Sometimes it works, hooray! But often we have to go back to the drawing board, because we didn't identify the right skill. Not unlike parenting, we must keep trying to crack the code of the behaviour.
Here's generally how our interventions work:
Observe a behaviour → assume missing skill → teach skill → expect change.
This can be highly effective, if we’ve identified the right underlying need. However, when change doesn’t happen, it’s not necessarily because a child is unwilling. It might be because we misjudged which skill was missing.
Example:
A student never says “thank you.”
We assume they can’t feel gratitude.
We teach them to notice and list things they’re grateful for.
And then… nothing changes.
What if gratitude isn’t something learned through direct instruction or repeated practice? What if it depends on deeper, foundational experiences: understanding cause and effect, listening to your body, feeling predictability and safety, or having the attention and self-control to notice good things when they happen?
In other words, sometimes we’re trying to fix the outcome rather than the root. It’s like putting on smaller pants as a weight-loss strategy. It might look like effort, but it doesn’t address the cause.
Example:
A student never says “thank you.”
We assume they can’t feel gratitude.
We teach them to notice and list things they’re grateful for.
And then… nothing changes.
What if gratitude isn’t something learned through direct instruction or repeated practice? What if it depends on deeper, foundational experiences: understanding cause and effect, listening to your body, feeling predictability and safety, or having the attention and self-control to notice good things when they happen?
In other words, sometimes we’re trying to fix the outcome rather than the root. It’s like putting on smaller pants as a weight-loss strategy. It might look like effort, but it doesn’t address the cause.
Psych Learning Lens: The Shortcut Trap & Joy Challenge
We often roll out well-intentioned SEL initiatives and ask teachers to “add gratitude lessons” into their already full days. But when these lessons flop, everyone feels discouraged. Gratitude isn’t just about saying thank you. It requires trust and openness. If a child’s nervous system has never known safety, never had the privilege to be mostly well regulated, and instead feels lots of shame, aloneness and fear, well adding in joy and peaceful states can feel impossible (and risky). Remember, those shameful, alone, fearful states serve a self-protective purpose in the brain.
I’ve heard so many versions of this story! You ask a class to reflect on what they’re grateful for, and instead:
You might be tempted to think, these kids are just ungrateful nowadays! But before we can teach gratitude, we have to teach safety, the kind that allows a nervous system to relax enough to notice and take in what’s good.
I’ve heard so many versions of this story! You ask a class to reflect on what they’re grateful for, and instead:
- They make inappropriate jokes.
- They shrug and say, “nothing.”
- They laugh, talk to friends, and can’t think of a single thing.
- You have to spoon-feed them examples.
- They shout, “sixty-seven!”
You might be tempted to think, these kids are just ungrateful nowadays! But before we can teach gratitude, we have to teach safety, the kind that allows a nervous system to relax enough to notice and take in what’s good.
Gratitude Demands Vulnerability
Now don’t get me wrong: gratitude truly does boost well-being. The issue isn’t whether to teach it, it’s how.
Simply brainstorming things we’re grateful for won’t reach every child, because for many, the barrier isn’t understanding gratitude, it’s being able to receive positive emotion at all.
Coming Next
In Part 2, we’ll explore why gratitude can feel unsafe for children who have experienced trauma and how grown ups can create small, practical ways to make gratitude safe and transformative.
Simply brainstorming things we’re grateful for won’t reach every child, because for many, the barrier isn’t understanding gratitude, it’s being able to receive positive emotion at all.
Coming Next
In Part 2, we’ll explore why gratitude can feel unsafe for children who have experienced trauma and how grown ups can create small, practical ways to make gratitude safe and transformative.
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